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It made me heartsick to watch Oscar winner Frances McDormand, as the national director of intelligence, sparring with a hunk of metal. Sam’s boss, John Malkovich, appears in orange makeup that makes him look like an Oompa-Loompa, spouting jokes that die on his tongue. By that I mean his uncanny gift for making talent look talentless. Here’s what you’ll get to see for your overpriced ticket. In Bay speak, that means the few movie critics left should shut the hell up and let Bay get down to the business of metal porn. In the words of Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard “Spock” Nimoy - what!), the risen leader of the Autobots and a daddy dearest figure to the heroic Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Got it. He’s laughing (at us) all the way to the bank. Bay believes that you can indeed kick a dead horse forever and the profits his bot epics rake in prove him right. Despite having the finest technical talent at his disposal, Bay just flails around like a kid in a 3D candy store watching bots morph into cars and back again and battle each other like dueling refrigerators. What if the robots were discovered by Apollo astronauts on the 1969 moon landing? What if the good Autobots were the only thing separating us humans from world domination by the badass Decepticons? What if Bay had the talent to put flesh and blood on the story hidden in the bowels of Ehrten Kruger’s script? He doesn’t. Bay is a master bungler, grinding a promising plot into hamburger. The only positive thing I can say about this 3D Hasbro theme-park ride disguised as a movie is that it deepened my appreciation for James Cameron and his handling of robots in The Terminator 1 and 2 and his use of 3D in Avatar.

Bay himself is on the record as liking Dark of the Moon better than Revenge of the Fallen, so that should tell you how rank it really is. All three films are the cinematic equivalent of a street mugging, only the mugging is over faster.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon expands to a brain-numbing 154 minutes, leaving the 2007 Transformers (143 minutes) and the 2009 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (149 minutes) in its digital dust. You won’t hear me say that Michael Bay hasn’t grown as a filmmaker.